"Take the words for what they are: A dwindling, mercurial high...

...A drug that only works the first few hundred times" -Taylor Swift

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Toxic positivity – what an interesting term.

Wait, hold up… positivity can be toxic?!

YOU BET IT CAN!

I recently posted a poll on my Instagram account asking who has heard of the term toxic positivity. As I figured, many people on my feed were not familiar with this term, and I wanted to shed some light on the topic.

In short, toxic positivity can be explained as the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.

Think – the people who overhype the term "Positive vibes only!" (and others alike). Thanks for the random Facebook quote written on a pretty floral background – that sounds lovely and all, but that's just not reality. Sometimes, positivity doesn't help.

Have you ever heard of the term "toxic positivity"? This was a term I was unfamiliar with until I began my journey as a mom to a child with a rare and medically complex diagnosis. And, chances are, most of you reading this have been affected by toxic positivity but didn't identify it as such because you didn't even know it was a thing.

Has someone ever tried to diminish your hardships at some point by not really listening to your struggles and instead told you everything would be fine? Or, perhaps unknowingly, you were the friend on the other end of this equation, trying to be the eternal optimist - saying things like, "Don't worry, choose happy!" or, "Everything will work out in the end." That's right, my friends, that CAN be toxic positivity.

If you have been on the giving end of toxic positivity, I want you to understand that I'm not here to wag my finger in your face and place blame. Instead, I'd like to enlighten as many people as possible on this issue because I feel that it is an important one that many people aren’t aware of. After all, before I was aware of this topic - I too, have been on the toxic positivity side of the equation. Unfortunately, sometimes it happens, and we don't know what to say to a hurting friend, so we fill the air with positive phrases with the intention to make them feel better. Of course, this does not make you a bad person - however, it's likely not helpful to the party on the other end.

I am by no means claiming to be an expert on this topic and can only speak from my own experience and how toxic positivity has affected me. We knew Graham had Epidermolysis Bullosa (EB) within a day of him being born. We received the official verdict on the exact type of EB after waiting for almost two long months and a full genetic report later. Hearing that it was recessive dystrophic (RDEB - a severe form) was such a heavy blow. I felt plowed over by grief, I was shocked, I was in disbelief, and I was engulfed in such a sense of deep sadness. How could this perfect baby have such a horrendous diagnosis? As if an EB diagnosis wasn't bad enough, how could he not at least have a mild form? These questions kept circulating in my mind. It didn't make sense then, and almost 20 months later, I still can't wrap my head around it. It's honestly something I don't think I will ever fully process, and that's okay.

What's not okay is when people tried to make me feel better by making it seem like this wasn't the end of the world. At that time, it was. It was the end of the typical world I had envisioned my kid having, and I had (and still have) every right to grieve that.

However, before I go further here, I can say with 100% certainty that the hearts of these people were in the right place, and they meant zero harm. In fact, I must admit that we truly have THE BEST support system we could ever dream of, and we are eternally grateful for that. It's the many people in our corner that give us the strength we need to navigate this unpredictable path we are on, and I never want to seem unappreciative of that. It's just that at certain times along the bumpy journey of life - simply offering positive vibes isn't going to cut it. In fact, it can make someone feel worse. It can make them feel like the negative emotions they are feeling aren't valid, and they should just be "choosing happy!" instead of feeling how they feel. It can make them feel like their struggle isn't a big deal. It can make them feel more isolated in coping with, processing, and handling what they are going through.

Sometimes, there are just really crappy things that happen to us, and there is no logical reason or ability to rationalize them. After all, we all know life isn't fair. In these instances, we should be allotted our time to grieve them without judgment or guilt for not having a positive mindset. During these times, toxic positivity is the most harmful because it downplays the raw and real human emotion that we are experiencing. Suppressing our feelings doesn't make us feel better, and unfortunately, pretending they aren't there doesn't make them go away. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to our emotional well-being.

Sometimes, there are just no positive words that can be offered. Instead, speaking from my experience, it's better to simply acknowledge that the circumstance is far from ideal and let the person know you are there to support them through all the peaks and valleys they are going through. Sitting with someone during a dark hour can be so much more powerful and positive than trying to find words to fill a void, especially if the void is one you haven't personally experienced.

I think many people would agree that they are most supported when they feel seen and heard. By truly having someone listen to us, having our feelings validated, and letting ourselves sit with whatever emotions we are feeling not only makes us feel better in the end, but it shows others that it's okay to do the same. Sometimes, we need to be asked what we need while we wade through the rough waters life heaves our way, rather than being cloaked in a blanket of positivity.

Everyone goes through struggles, and we must honor the fact that ALL feelings are real, valid, and okay. Although it doesn't serve us well to stay in a negative place, my hope is that you feel supported while you take the time to heal. Positivity is a truly wonderful thing but just like the moon – there is a dark side to it as well.